Fall-ing

So much of what makes me happy is wrapped up in the word "fall". I love the crisp, cool air in the mornings. I love the baking, the changing leaves, setting up decorations, and picking out sweaters. I spend three other seasons of the year patiently waiting for this one. There is this slow dwindling of daylight outside of my window each night now and I can see my trees swaying gently. Everyone I know is buzzing about the fact that it is actually going to be jacket weather this weekend. Fall is definitely here.

Right now, my life is definitely wrapped up in fall, but one of a different sort. The kind of fall that doesn't bring comfort. The kind of fall with bitter cold and stinging reality. The fall with sorrow attached. This one, too, brings change, but it is of course unwanted. My phone rang with the label "Mom" again today. For a brief second my heart leaped, but it was reminded of the truth and fell. When I try to understand why or grasp on to something, I can't...I just fall. The term 'falling' refers to a sensation. The term 'sensation' refers to a feeling. A 'feeling' is an awareness. If you are aware, informed, knowledgeable, you should be able to move up, not down. It just isn't so right now.

When my little guy, Graham, sees me crying, he tells me not to because Nana is still at the "little white house". In his reality, there's no need to be upset when you haven't lost anything. His reference to the funeral home may be inaccurate, but he is once again correct that you can't lose what's in your heart. This weekend, for the cooler weather, I plan on making my mom's caramel pecan cinnamon rolls with my sister. My mother made them every autumn. I vividly remember the morning I was in seventh grade and my mom woke us up to tell us there was a fall coolness in the air and she had made us the caramel pecan cinnamon rolls to celebrate it. Of course, they take a couple of hours to make so she had been up quite a while. That's in my heart along with so much more, so even though I'm falling, I know I can see the season through.