The New Normal

My house is clean. The kiddos have fresh laundry picked out. Our mail is out of the mailbox. There are a hundred other things that I accomplished this week that would be classified as normal. I know that's a good thing, but it feels so foreign to me right now. You see, right now I'm in a room with no lights on; I know they're out but I can't convince everyone else of it. The world around me is continuing and I'm trying to tell them that's impossible, but they just won't listen. Instead, they tell me my mother has been buried for over a week now. They tell me that life is moving on and I'm being strong and that it will all be better soon. I cover my ears because I know that's not true.

I miss my mother for so many reasons. I think about how there is no one else left in the whole earth that can recall the day I was born. No one knows about my first hair cut. No one can tell me if I was three or if I was four that Christmas on the way to church, I fell down on the ice, scrapped my knee and ripped my pretty white tights. The one who knew those stories is gone. I desperately want to be seven again. I want to sit under the tree in my Nannie's front yard and hear her tell me that she loves to hear me make up little songs like Momma used to. I was in such a hurry to grow up and move on, but I wish there were a few pieces I could have back. I laugh to think that I would ever want to return. Even though it will never make sense to most of the people in my life currently, I have a bunch of unresolved scars from my childhood. I have hurts that I never quite learned how to box up. Sometimes the house that built you is full of cracks, but it's still yours.

God told us in Luke 12 that he knows the hairs numbered on our heads. Isn't that an amazing thought? That in the millions of people who pass you by, know nothing of you, there is still one who knows your heart and mind. I pray now that he searches my heart and knows my anxious thoughts like in Psalm 139 and carries me through. If you've spent much time with me, you know I've always struggled with giving it to God. I never meant to, but if you've never had much control, it's hard to throw your hands up and tell him to take it. My whole life must have been a dress rehearsal for trusting God because right now there is no question of whether or not I can. I can only put one foot in front of the other because he's carrying me. Even though my eyes are shut tight, wanting to pretend it will all go away, I can see because Christ is my light.

My new normal is anything but. It's not at all what I want or what I asked for. And I know one day it will be...that's just hard to grasp right now. Luckily, God doesn't ask us to have it all figured out. He just tells in Proverbs 3:5 to trust him with all our heart and lean not on our own understanding. For today, that's the only thing that feels normal.

Take good care of my baby...

Another blessing has been sent to the Jones' house. I been sending the Lord my deepest hopes for THE best teacher for Mr. Graham. The kid's only 3 but, man, I tell ya, when it's your baby everything is major. Once I found out that he actually has THE best teacher, it was as if I just found out that he made the varsity football team. He's in. In that room. THE one! With THE teacher! And I have how many years left of wondering if he'll get THE right teacher for him?? And Oliver, too? I'd better have one of those "Lord, it's me again..." conversations tonight....

This all made me think about the kiddos in my own classroom, and God's part in sending me my students each year. This is my 8th class. Times that by over 20 students each year, and you end up with a pretty big bunch of kiddos....kiddos with parents that trusted that I would love, protect, encourage, and of course, teach their children. And then when you start breaking down all of the fine little details of teaching (challenging, motivating, promoting, designing, etc) I really start to realize that I probably owe a lot of parents apologies and I should go ahead and start thanking every teacher that *may* even come in contact with my children.

To any teachers that will shape my sons' lives, make them feel important, help them look at something new, want them to embrace their faults and learn from them, and love on them for who they are, thank you in advance for taking care of my babies. And to THE teacher who will do that for Mr. Graham this year, I already appreciate you more than you know.

The gift of walking

My little Oliver started walking this week. For whatever reason, seeing your baby walk is not classified as a wonder of the world, but it should be. Nothing makes you happier, yet sobbing like a lunatic quite like those first steps.

Well this morning I was doing my Bible study and Oliver was practicing his newly discovered talent. I usually do my Bible time when the kiddos are not awake so that I avoid adult ADD, but it didn't work out that way today. I was reading and he was walking. Let me rephrase that. He was walking and I was trying to read.  Needless to say I was getting a little distracted. He's just so cute. His chubby little legs take a few steps, his legs wobble, he tries to balance. You can tell he's timid about the whole thing, yet excited at the same time. And when he falls, he laughs and gets up and does it again. So innocent and so adorable.

Well God took me right where I was today. I've been reading about Barnabas and Paul in Acts. Until a couple of weeks ago, I'm not sure I knew who Barnabas really was, despite 28 years in church. However, he's my new fascination. He was an encourager, and in a lot of ways more of a behind the scenes kind of guy. Yet God used him in so many ways. It's so easy to focus on the smallness of our lives...things we don't even think of as monumental at all...washing dishes, folding the laundry...walking. However, by accepting where we are, giving thanks for these small, minute details, praising God for the gifts we have instead of waiting for something bigger to come, we glorify Him. It's easy to look at the person sitting beside you and compare their walk of life to your own wobbly advances. You think, wow, God's got something big in store for them. Their steps are important, but mine aren't, so I will just stay still. I know I personally have wondered how God would ever use me and my little life. Well the answer is right in front of me; He already is using me. I don't know His plan, but when I just open up myself up to Him, walk in faith with Him, I will see what He has in store for me. And I will be happy right where I am. It's just like Oliver's little steps this morning. You trust God's plan...take a few steps. Your legs wobble...you keep trusting and keep going. And when you fall on your butt, laugh, and view it as a gift to be able to start over again. You don't sit there upset that you're just learning to walk and others are running. You just keep at it, happy for the moment and the opportunity. And even if these little steps mean nothing to the big, giant world (they may never even know it!), it does impact those around you, and that alone is enough for me.

Pride and Prejudice...and I don't mean the book or movie

This summer I had the opportunity to be part of THE best Bible study. I read A Modern Girls' Guide to Bible Study by Jen Hatmaker. If you've never heard of Jen, she is worth googling, for sure! If you've never heard of this book, it is worth reading, for sure! This helped me find joy in the Word that I'd been missing for a long time. Even though I've been finished with the book for awhile now, its techniques have continued to help me approach the Bible with fresh eyes and more importantly, fresh ears.

Well, you can't expect to delve into the Word and not end up learning about yourself. When you start listening to the Holy Spirit, you're going to catch an earful. I've recently been reading Acts and the theme of encouraging others. There is also a mini-theme, if you will, of prejudice. Now this is often a word I quickly put into two categories...1. I'm not prejudiced; I would never judge someone on their skin color, religion, etc.,  and 2. how sad that some people are. So there. I wrapped that concept up neatly and tied it with a "I'm not guilty" bow. Oh, but not so fast. Delve deeper. When you break it down, prejudice is just labeling and categorizing others. Oh. Well, I do that. I don't readily admit to it, but I do that. A lot of us do if we're being honest. This is that part of Bible study where my eyes start looking from side to side and my head and shoulders go down a little...you know the spotlight is on and you can't run from it. It's scary, but if you allow yourself to face it, you end up with one of the best feelings ever. So, I face it. Am I prejudice? Again, not glaringly so. I don't judge on your race, your religion (the two big ones that people think of when they hear prejudice). However, I'm most comfortable with people who act just like me. I usually put some sort of label on it like "it's because we share the same interests". It's just because it's easy. Being around people who act like me is nice...there's not much work to accept that because I've already accepted it in myself! I just push away anyone who would require some work of acceptance. If your personality is aggressive-tell-it-like-it-is, I label you as mean and wash my hands of you. If you're meek and never speak, I categorize you as not like me and just walk the other way. Instead, I need to accept we may have some differences, but it isn't something to be scared of...it's something to embrace.

No matter the situation, I am a person that walks with the figurative arm stretched out in front of me (please don't come any closer than that).  Like half of the world, I have some trust issues. When you think about trust it is really synonymous with hope and faith. Well God gives that to me, so who am I to not return it? It's time for me to allow myself to place some faith and hope in others...get closer to those who God put in my life. If I get bruised a little, God will be there to help me through. I'm going to put the guard down and focus on letting others get closer, regardless of whether we are personality twins or polar opposites. We can't be more like Christ with conditions, so I'm letting mine go.

Take me away...

Do you ever have those cringe-worthy moments that happen solely due to you own really-really-out-there-ness? Well I did yesterday (I say that like its a rarity). I had invited a friend over and when she came, I apparently didn't hear her text, knock at the door, and ring the doorbell, so she naturally had to leave. About 20 minutes later I'm wondering where she is, completely oblivious to all.  How does that happen? Especially when the room you're in is so near the door. I have this saying that my life is a series of "that awkward moment" scenarios all put together. Well, to forget my often air-headed goofs, I often escape the moment by looking at other blogs, aka "domestic blog therapy". There's just something about reading about another person's life that is so fulfilling. It feels classier than reality TV, but let's face it, we're addicted to that too. Since you're reading this, you probably feel the same as I do (about blogs, not that awkward life moments part...I'm sure that's just me). Well,  I wanted to share with you my favorite blog. If it's possible to have a crush on a blog, then that's the way I feel towards this blog. The writer is a teacher (like me),  has 2 little boys (like me), and is addicted to Pinterest (maybe like me). She cracks me up and shares the best recipes. I highly recommend checking it out the next time you need a little "domestic blog therapy".

Blog address: http://pearls-handcuffs-happyhour.blogspot.com/

Here's a picture of the Lemonade Cake (recipe from this blog). I made mine in baby bundts with only the glaze (no additional frosting), and topped it with strawberries. Yum-mo!

Life is just a bowl of cherries...or at least family night is

Y'all, I thought I'd be blogging about Christmas in July right about now. You see, in this house, I'm famous for my theme nights. I'm not popular for them, but I'm known for them. Christmas in July (setting out selected Christmas items, cooking a winter meal, and watching a Christmas movie) is the big annual event, at least for me. Unfortunately, Mr. Jones does not like pictures from the event. Probably because I make us wear Christmas pajamas. In July. It makes me happy, what can I say? Well, this year I ended up with ONE photo and it's blurry, so I'm going to tell you about another theme night. We've actually had several recently...one that really stands out is my Pride and Prejudice night. We watched the movie and I named food after the characters (like Mr. Darcy's stuffed olives...get it? 'cause he's stuffy?) Anyway, this one here was a recent cute one too...

Graham is really into board games this summer and received several for his birthday. One of my favorites is High Ho Cherry-O. So, for a recent family night we played that game and HAD to have something cherry themed. There are few cherry dishes I enjoy, but one of them is a childhood favorite, Cherry Salad (a lovely dessert with an unfortunate name). Everytime I eat this dish, I think  of my birthdays as a kid and my sister. I remember the two of us making fajitas and cherry salad for just about every birthday for the longest time. I don't know why fajitas had to be with cherry salad, but they just complimented each other so nicely (as I think my sis and I do). Well we would EAT UP some cherry salad and fajitas, and I knew it was the perfect companion for the High Ho Cherry-O family night. Here's the recipe if you'd like to make it...

Cherry Salad

1 large tub cool whip
1 cup sugar
2-8 oz. pkgs. of cream cheese
1 t. vanilla
1 can of cherry pie filling
3-4 bananas, sliced

Begin by sitting out your cream cheese to soften. You definitely don't want lumpy cherry salad! Then combine your cream cheese and sugar in a mixing bowl and mix until smooth. No lumps! Slowly add in your cool whip a little at a time. Once all mixed together, add your vanilla and mix until everything is blended together. Go ahead and taste this because this is the best part.

Now what you're gonna do is add a generous layer of your cream cheese/cool whip mixture into the bottom of a large bowl. Add some bananas on top and then some cherry pie filling. Keep repeating this tri-layering technique until all ingredients are gone.

Make your top layer the cream cheese mixture...I am telling you, this is some good stuff. Yumm-o!

Playing High Ho Cherry-O is an optional serving suggestion!

TURKquoise and CAICOS

We are back to reality now. Mr. Jones and I traveled to Turks and Caicos (aka Caribbean Paradise) for our 5th wedding anniversary. In so many ways five years is nothing...a drop in the bucket...so small. But in other ways, it's gigantic...life changing...everything. Five years have brought love, happiness, falling in and letting go, trying new things and losing others, two little boys and my life as I currently know it. When you think of that way and see it through my eyes, it's a big deal...at least to me.

Going on this trip, I had a lot of time to relax and think. And you have not appreciated time to think until you are on a beach listening to the waves staring at the most beautiful water ever. It brings a peace like none other. Well my mind being what it is, my thoughts started at how pretty everything was...from the white sand and shells to the multitude of colors that was the reef and fish not far from my hotel, all the way down to my toes painted in "Turkqoise and Caicos" polish (did I buy it because of the name?...maybe...). Well then my thoughts started to evolve as they tend to do and I started asking myself,  "How is all this beauty like my own life?" At first glance it's not. I mean if you could see the pile up of toys beside my feet, it is anything but tranquil. The hum of the dishwasher is not exactly parallel to the swish of the wind through the coconut trees. But when I dig deeper, this paradise that I speak of and my little home are the same. God designed both intimately.  Joy, contentment, passion, and beauty surround me. The forgiveness, acceptance, and faithfulness that I receive from my husband...the purity and humility of my children...the safety and warmth of the walls around me. Once again, God is showing me what I have. Although it is much easier to look at one as bliss and the other as responsibility, God focused my eyes and reminded me of Philippians 4:12 "I know what it is to be in need and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Kind of reminds me of the ebb and flow of that beautiful water I was staring at earlier.

So, as I said, we are back to reality now. I am going to work hard on reminding myself what a gift it all is. So thankful for the five years of reality with Mr. Jones and can't wait to see what the next 5 hold.